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Dummies guide for Potential Villains to Survive in a Hero dominated bollywood.

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“Dishoom”.

A gun had just gone off.

I, the fearless, bold, daring and courageous individual that I am, I didn’t move a muscle. All I did was put another spoon full of ‘chaval’ in my mouth. This would have been an utter disregard for life and limb has this been real.

But it was not.

It was a scene from a Hindi movie blaring through the TV set in my mess.

The movie aforementioned was Koyla. It had been a while since I saw that film.

Out of pure boredom, I started to take notice of the movie. Was struck me, while I started to watch it intently, were the gross mistakes the villain was making.

I mean all he had to do was use school level common sense and he could have got all he wanted, but in the end all he got was an untimely death in the hands of the hero.

Hindi movies thrive on the Hero-Villain plots. I mean a plot with a hero and no villain has no significance. But the freaking tragedy is that the super villains often do something’s so brainless, so silly and make the same basic mistakes time after time, it always allows the most mediocre of heroes to come out of the predicament, get the girl and kill the villain as well.

In light of the above, I’ve compiled a list of things I would do, if I ever became a super villain in a bollywood flick. Any budding villains, please take notice.

And so, here goes…….

My Moustache makes me so cool

1)   I will not laugh out menacingly and loudly while the hero is standing powerless before me and loose sight of him momentarily, so that he gets to do something heroic. Instead I will look at him carefully with a gun in hand so that he doesn’t get a chance to do anything daring.

2)   My group of evil henchmen will be composed of trained combat ready militia, and not roadside goondas, who usually have a combined IQ of a mentally subnormal donkey high on marijuana.

Waaaa..Someone Help, my left hand is hitting my right hand.

3)   I will never ever use snakes in any form, weather as pets or to murder anyone. They always backfire.

4)   All my employees will have to pass a 3 layer security blanket with retinal scans to get to me. No way can any dimwitted hero or heroine even come close to me dressed up as some driver of maid.

5)   I will always shoot my enemies. Nothing less. And I will not be miserly with bullets. One to the heart and one to the head will be the bare minimum. I will not leave them for dead even after I hit him with a rod on his head that might potentially wipe his long term memory. I will finish the job and then celebrate.

6)   Similarly, I will not be overconfident and cut the hands of those who oppose me and let them live in that misery because i they they no longer dangerous. I will end their misery then and there.

7)   All individuals including friends and family members, who I had gone through to gain power, will not be given pity and kept hidden of locked away so that they may one day advise the hero. They will be put to death the second they have served their purpose.

8)   My evil henchmen will not all be black, fat and ugly with no personalities. They will be good looking, intellectual, cheerful people who my villagers can like and whom I can engage in interesting conversations with.

Ya Baby...I look Awesome

9)   When the Hero asks “Marne se pehle, mujhe ek cheeze bolo”, I will say no, and kill him then and there. Similarly, before killing the hero, I will not tell him “Suno, mera plan to yeh hai” and tell my master plan or any other information. Why take chances with ghosts.

10)  If any employee of mine comes to me with bad news, I will not kill him. It proves absolutely no point and it destroys employee morale. I will not play Russian roulette with 3 bullets in a revolver with any henchman for the same reason.

11)  All song sequences anywhere in my land will be banned with the penalty of their anal canal being sutured up . Thus the hero cannot break out in song or dance whenever he has built up frustration of romantic feeling. It will drive him to depression and eventual suicide.

12)   I will listen to my top advisors when he advises me or tell me something is wrong with my plan instead of stupidly going ahead just to make my ego happy. That’s why he is my advisor.

No, Its ok, Let Him keep his bracelet.

13)   If I want to marry the hero’s love interest/secret girlfriend/sister etc, I’ll do it quickly and privately rather than hold massive celebrations where the whole town is invited so that the dumbass hero can crash the wedding and save the day.

14)   All my guard will be equipped with ultra modern weapons and trained in sharp shooting. Everyone should be able to shoot any moving object/person within 200 meters with head shots, nothing less. Otherwise back to training.

15)  If the above mentioned girl says ‘Kabhi Nahi, tere se kabhi shaadi nahi karoongi’, I will say ok and shoot her. There are plenty of girls to choose from and why waste time convincing her. She may even try to stab me when I’m not looking.

16)  I will use remote activated bombs, NOT ones with timers nor any wires which if cut deactivate it. Rather, I’d make it so that if any wire is cut by the hero, the bomb sets of immediately.

Its all black...where is the red and green wires..ok, let me try this one...BOOOM

17)   I will diversify my money in various stable investments, instead of pooling it in one high risk plan or scam which may well backfire.

18)  No daughters ever. They often fall in love with the hero and betray their own father.

19)   I will be in tip top physical shape and be an expert marksmen, fighter and karate expert instead of a obese, panzee who will beg for mercy the second he is alone with the hero. Also I’m stuck fighting the hero on my own, I will keep him in the middle of an open space rather than some moving train, bus, bridge, factory etc.

20)  The entire hero’s friends circle and family will be killed in advance so he has no comic relief, encouragement, any romantic plot, or some brother to avenge his ‘bhai’ when he grows up.

21)  I will hire a team of doctors in my jail. So that if anyone cries out that he or someone else is sick, they will be attended to by specialists under supervision and not some dumbass who opens the jail door and walks in like its is own house.

22)  If I need to take over someone’s ancestral land or farm, I will do it with force, but properly relocate them so that they don’t feel the need to kill me.

23)  Every living thing will have a GPS tracking dot imbedded in them since birth. No one can hide.

24)  I will give my henchmen stylish uniforms and not boring khaki’s. It boosts morale.

25)  I will not, repeat, will not say one liners or speeches in a loud voice in the most important moments just to prove a point. It just pisses off the hired staff as well as the villagers.

26)   All babies will be mandatory delivered in hospitals, no jail deliveries whatsoever. So weather the sadhu says it’s the 9th born or 10th born son etc. etc. who will grow up and kill me, I know who it is.

27)   I will not let my villagers go free or reduce tax on them if they win a contest or cricket match, even if I can rig the event. I will be immensely content with the level of oppression I have over them.

Gay Gangbang????

28)   When my henchmen find the hero, I will teach them to attack him together all at once, rather than one after the other.

29)   I will send my strongest people first to catch the hero, rather than start with the weakest and move up progressively.

30)   All the hero’s animals, especially dogs and elephants will be eliminated immediately so they have no chance of bringing help or freeing their master. No pets allowed in my kingdom, except for Guinea pigs. Those cute things are absolutely harmless.

Hero- Help Me, my trusted pet. Pet-Cheeee Hero-Bite my ropes. Pet-Defecates Hero-Aw, Screw it.

31)   I will keep my villagers happy by providing them with free WiFi and iPhones so they will be too distracted to ever revolt.

And so, till I retire, I will be in utter complete domination of my land.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

So, any potential heroes out there, please castrate yourself before that testosterone in you fills your head with any grand ideas that lead you to your untimely death. If you are too dumb to do anything else, don’t worry, my society needs laborers too.

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Written by dupendous doc

December 30, 2009 at 6:03 pm

Posted in Uncategorized