MBBS with balls.

Medical terminology is freaking weird. From unpronounceable terms and tongue twisters to stuff so stupidly irrelevant, that even a patient on LSD would have done better.

But one thing that can be said that  in trying to make it sound professional we have we have given ourselves “Faecal Encephalopathy” aka ‘Shit for Brains’ reputation . Here are a few personal attempt of decoding some of the weirdest medical terms that just make you think “what were they thinking?”

LEVEL 1 Terms -” Hmmm, Why It Looks Like a …….”

This is easily one of the biggest screw up’s of the medical nomenclature.

After the being the first to see or do something even the slightest medically relevant, the euphoria tends to numb most of their thinking capacity, combined usually with a piss drunk celebratory state, the discoverer names his/her find according to something they thought looks like it, only for the rest of the world to say “What were you thinking”

Its amazing what people think of. This category transcends all boundaries of food, culture, nature and even sport. This works on the pink giraffe principle where if someone tells you to think of a pink giraffe while looking at something, you cant stop trying to.

Notable examples are many and it deserves its own exhaustive list. Notable examples include Eggs in various forms ( ie Egg Shell, Fried Eggs, Frogs Eggs, Egg Cracking,Humpty Dumpty…etc.) Ping Pong Balls, Cannon Balls, Port Wine, Beer, Salmons, Anchovies, Potatoes,Onion skins, lady Fingers, Lighthouse, Rosaries,Gunshot, Pistonshot, Lacunae and yes, even a Mercedes Benz gets one in.

Level 2 Terms – Who Gets the Glory, Bitches!!!

This surprisingly happens only when 2 or more guys with kinky surnames which sound more baby talk stumble upon a disease, and instead of calling it what it is, stuff their names in there only to be cursed profusely by premed’s everywhere.

This is a doozy. So, lets express our anguish in explicit detail against the Bernard-Soulier’s, Charcot-Marie-Tooth’s, Child-Turcotte-Pugh, Emery-Dreifuss, Kleine-Levin, Lac-Hydrin-Five and other self-centered-bastards of this profession. The Japanese discoverers deserve a special mention here, as even on their own, their syndromes resemble a dictionary for animal torture.

Level 3 Terms – Lack of Imagination

This set gets a mention for being the exact opposite, i.e a product of a mind taking its comatose creativity to bed. The ones that comes to mind are the professions first affected conditions. I mean, why use names, lets say a baseball finger or cricket finger when you can use ‘Digital damnation’  or ‘ The Twisted Flip off’. I feel sorry for all the Chimney sweepers, Sheep Herder’s, Tailor’s, Golfer’s, Hookers, Writer’s and other noble professions who have been victimized by our nomenclature. There is one small victory in this losing battle, the awesome ‘July 1st Effect’. We kept the best for ourselves.

Level 4 Terms - Definitely on Marijuana/LSD/Cocaine…or Desi Alcohol even

How else can you explain Bronze John ( Yellow Fever), Chilblains (Frost Bite),  FrenchPox (Syphilis), Galloping Consumption (Would you believe TB), King’s Evil (Scrofula), La Grippe (The Flu), Mormal (Gangrene) and  St Vitus Dance (Chorea)…

And because you’ve read so far, here’s a treat for you….i present the….

Level 5 Terms – Terms doctor’s use to comment on patients in-front of other doctor’s

All of the following is real and i kid you not, is actually used in someplace’s.

Brothel Sprouts – What it Means = Genital Warts,

CBT – What it Means =Chronic Biscuit Toxicity. Patient is really fat.

CNS-QNS – What it means = Central Nervous System Quantity Not Sufficient

Gas Passer – What it means = an anesthesiologist (also Gas Man or Gaswallah)

Rule of Five – What it means = that if more than five of the patient’s orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance of survival

Batting – What it means  = Dont know whats wrong, but its not my case.

SO, in conclusion, lets take what damage is done with a pinch of salt and learn to call things for  what they really are. So from now on i say, lets get enlightened use some of the following recommendations..

Erectile dysfunction should be called  Spermally Challenged , Spastic Colon should be called Busted Gut…Hmmm, I’m Out.

If you can do better, Let me know.